Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
