She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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