i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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