I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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