Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
