Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He has the fingertips of a God
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
