there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
