Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
