I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
