Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
