im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Michael Bay diarrhea
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
