Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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