when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I forget how to act sober
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