Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
