also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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