so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
