Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
