just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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