Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just found puke in my bra..
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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