Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You were trust falling into bushes
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
