eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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