Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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