Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize