i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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