I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
