Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
