If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
