I just threw up on my dentist
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
