In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
