is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
