I'm going to jail i love you
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
