After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
