Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
