Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sorry about my life...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
