this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
