Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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