dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
NoShamevember. You game?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
