I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
