im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i would punch a child for taco bell
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
