Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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