God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
