I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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