drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
