I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize