living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
