I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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