maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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