How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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