Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
