A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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