i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Randomize
