no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
