I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
