i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
