My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
