dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
