theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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