i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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