my phone needs a breathalizer
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just pee around me
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
