the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize