there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Terrible idea I love it
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
