so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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